trying

Two days ago my lovely friend Fitri and I agreed to set ourselves a writing challenge. Since we’re both in a very similar situation right now (trying to bridge that awful time between graduating and finding a job), we decided on that as a topic. Both of us are going to write about not loosing our dreams, about how to stay sane in the middle of this uncertainty and confusion. We’re both posting at the same time – it’s going to be interesting to see what we both made of  it! So please also head over to her blog, Fitri Adi Anugrah, and read her take on our situation. Any comments for both or either of us are extremely welcome!

 

Trying

Waiting.

Drinking tea. And waiting.

Tidying the desk. Checking e-mails every ten minutes. And waiting.

Writing a cover letter, attaching the brushed-up CV, sending it off. And waiting.

Going to bed in the evening feeling anxious and worried and defeated.

Waking up in the morning feeling hopeful and motivated, opening the laptop. And waiting.

Finding inspiration, finding new ideas, itching to try them out. Starting on trying them out. Loosing motivation halfway through. Because of the anxiety that wells up every time the thought of how to pay next month’s rent occurs.

Dreaming of what would be possible. Of what could be achieved. If someone gave you a chance. If someone gave you an opportunity. If someone trusted you.

Trying to force your brain to come up with alternatives. Getting headaches from thinking furiously about how to work outside the box. Trying to create your own job. Trying to identify what you are really good at. Trying to figure out how to survive from that. Trying not to think about how you’re going to pay the rent next month.

Clawing your fingers into the steep cliff which you are climbing. Peeking down into the chasm of despair and depression. Averting your eyes. Calming your breath. Looking up at the sky with its endless opportunities. Holding fast to the rock wall. Climbing a little. Sliding down again. Climbing again.

Crying. Laughing. Hoping. Giving up. Refusing to back down. Doing your best. Trying to do better. Falling. Getting back up again.

Waiting.

Trying. Again. And again. And again.

Keeping going because there is a dream out there. Seeing only emptiness and fire. Challenging the emptiness. Going through the fire. Trusting that the dream is on the other side. Trusting yourself. Not giving up.

[added later: both posts are up and running – check out Fitri’s: “I as in Identity”]